How To Handle An Unsupportive Spouse

Published by Mike Michalowicz (Google+) on August 3, 2010

1. GET A NEW SPOUSE !

15 years ago a business consultant asked me "if your business required your wife to quit her career to help you, would she?" He added that it's not necessarily necessary that she does this, but the question tests the attitude of the spouse. I said "no" and he replied "then I can't help you."

I got a new spouse in 2003 and this one can't wait until I can retire her from her career and she is totally supportive of what I do, in every way.

Thanks to: Jeff Block of JustPaperRoses.com.

2. Find the cause

The danger in this scenario is to merely find stop-gap compromises and not to delve deeper to the underlying causes.

I would suspect that the lack of support masks other underlying issues, for example the fact that as a couple your values and goals in life do not match up very well. One of you may be focused on a career and money, the other may want to put family first.

You need to find out first if you are still in snych on the basic objectives before you can look at specific solutions.

Thanks to: Eleonore Pieper of Olicana Enterprises Inc.

3. You don't!

You don't! You MUST have a supportive life partner to succeed or even make the attempt in business. Respect your partner's concerns by honest listening. Sometimes a lack of support is really reflective of rational concerns, particularly if you're susceptible to a well crafted pitch! If possible, involve your life partner in the business. Business and personal life are not separate- they're the yin and yang of your one life together. Synergy in both areas is the key to success!

Thanks to: Jim Bouchard of Black Belt Mindset.

4. Significant Bothers

Your significant other (spousal or otherwise)may be bothersome, in terms of your entrepreneurial efforts. Worse, his or her lack of support may actually sabotage your success. Talk you must. And, at least one topic of your talks should be trade-offs. What are you willing to do in return for your partner's support? Put your negotiation skills to the test and work out a deal that allows you the verbal, physical, emotional support you need in return for your concessions on other issues.

Thanks to: Marlene Caroselli of Principled Persuasion.

5. Why Go There?

And by that I don't mean your business venture, but your partner! It's hard enough to start a business or stay in business these days, and your partner should be your best support vehicle. I've had my own business for 30 years and my business partner is my husband who is also my best friend. We have each other's back and that's a great feeling. We both push the rock up the hill each day, but we each get to take a break now and then, while the other one takes over for a little while!

Thanks to: Christine Scioli of Zan Media.

6. SHARE THE GOODIES

If he/she listens to any news on the biz, share only the goood news. Perhaps, he/she will reconsider and begin supporting in small ways.

Thanks to: Greg Pryor of Life Priority Health and Nutrition.

7. Enlightened Self-Interest

For most marital conflicts, the best results come from partners who communicate. In other words, if you have a business, your goals are usually to get personal fulfillment and financial rewards. If your spouse is not supporting your business efforts, sit down and address your partner's feelings or concerns then focus on the benefits of what your doing and how it will not only benefit you but also your spouse.

Thanks to: Hollis Colquhoun of Financial Survival Counselor.

8. I HAVE NO CLUE!

I don't know how I would deal with an unsupportive spouse because I have never experienced this. We have been together for more than 20 years and always supported each other. That's not to say we have not had turbulent times, it's just that with open communication and the knowledge that we want the best for each other, it is a non-experience.

Thanks to: Ed Cohen of Nelson Cohen Global Consulting.

9. Stick to Your Guns

Ask your spouse what exactly his problem is with your current work habits. Negotiate a solution that you can both live with. If he keeps complaining, stick to your guns and continue doing what you are doing. Hopefully he will get used to it. If not, then maybe you are with the wrong person.

Thanks to: Berit Brogaard of University of Missouri, Saint Louis.

10. Make Friends.

I'll share the one thing that's saved my sanity over the years. It's critical that you have friends who are business owners to turn to when your spouse does not (or can not) give you the support that you need when you need it (especially when you're just starting out). So Network & Make Friends. I've found that the best way is by attending live events like conferences. And, once you've found some great friends - keep them close!

Thanks to: Nicole Dean of Online Business Success Tips.

11. It's A Sign Of Time to Go

If our spouse is not supportive of our entrepreneurial endeavors, in general, they aren't supporting US as human beings. Often, not supporting our entrepreneurial self is a sign of other "bad parts" to the relationship. 1. Try counseling and if it doesn't resolve; 2. Move on. Sounds harsh but life is too short for a bad relationship at the "spouse" level (or most any level that for that matter!)

Thanks to: Meggin McIntosh of Emphasis on Excellence, Inc..

12. Emotionally Jettison Him!

As committed and responsible entrepreneurs, we simply cannot afford to have unsupportive or toxic partners in any capacity, and a spouse is certainly our partner. First: recognize and get real with the energy he's pulling from you. Tell him what you're feeling nicely, firmly and clearly; share that you're going to consciously create a team to support your attention needs - to be and to feel more energetic, creative, successful.

Thanks to: Alice A March of The Attention Factor (R).

13. Play Hardball

I withhold all human emotions until they give me what I want.

Ha ha, just kidding, I'm not married (not surprisingly).

Thanks to: Steve Silberberg of Fatpacking.com.

14. Spouse not onboard?

If your spouse is not on board, put him/her on your board! It is important to have an advisory board of people in different businesses but still in tune to the entreprenuerial spirit. Who knows the plight of the entrepreneur more than a spouse. As a board memeber, the spouse can enjoy giving his/her insight or advise the same as the other advisory board members, and the entrepreneur can take all that advise under advisement!

Thanks to: Haralee Weintraub of Haralee.Com.

15. Your Spouse - Your #1 Customer

I think of my spouse as a potential customer/client, one who loves me & wants me to be happy, & the person who wants to spend time with me, even if it's just watching TV. When I started my biz, he & I, had no idea how much of me would get consumed. Customer satisfaction is a driving principle of my biz. My spouse is my #1 customer and I treat him accordingly. When he is happy, I can negotiate extra work-time and generally get it with a smile. When I win at my biz, I make sure he wins at home.

Thanks to: Susan Bender Phelps of Odyssey Mentoring.

16. DON'T GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP

My husband, thankfully, has a job.He often doesn't understand what it takes to keep my business going. I’m positive that he intends to be supportive but often he's not. When possible, I pretend that he supports what I do, and ignore his non-supportive actions.

I get other support to help my success. Afterward, I point out what worked so next time, he’ll know what to do.

I think of my husband as the big ship: it takes time to make a turn, and I hope that one day he’ll come around.

Thanks to: Jill Nussinow of The Veggie Queen.

17. A Daily Dose of Quality Time

Starting a new business often requires burning the midnight oil.

While you can't change a person or be completely responsible for their feelings, a new business entrepeneur can do their part by setting aside some quality time each day with their spouse for communication, recreation -- even a date. Consider this time as added value to your overall endeavor. View it as an important part of your daily routine such as going to the gym, watching the evening news or chatting with a friend.

Thanks to: Greg Jenkins of Bravo Productions.

18. Show 'em the money... or needs

If your spouse isn't supporting you, you should begin by asking why. Once you figure out what it is that's causing them to not support you then work hard to fix that situation. Is it your not making money?... get a part time gig! Is it that you spend more time with your biz than with your family?... set aside FAMILY time!

Thanks to: Mychal Connolly of Stinky Cakes.

19. Grow Thick Skin

This is a tough one. You just have to troop it! Try to be flexible and reach agreements. If you can't you just have to grow tough skin and decide what is really important to you. Don't let anyone make decisions for you; you need to be prepared to prove lots of people wrong including an unsupportive spouse - they usually turn around when they see your progress and see your passion. If they don't it may be a sign to move on.

Thanks to: Myra Roldan of Anarchy in Beauty.

20. RE: Ask for help!

Resistance could also mean rejection. Perhaps the other person feels left out. Engage the reluctant spouse. Nothing's better than authorship to get on board. Ask for advice, help, and suggestions. The more involved, the less resistance. Everyone loves to have feel valued. Invite and then praise new ideas. Try to incorporate a few suggestions. That could reduce unspoken tension and welcome unexpected support.

Thanks to: Margo Berman of Creative Catalyst Unlock The Block.

21. LUCKY & IN LOVE SUPPORT

My husband of 40 years always is a rock for me, business or life issues. It comes with some give and take: 1) He wants to hear my idea. As a successful entrepreneur himself he has a unique perspective that I want to listen to and understand. 2) He expects I will support him in what he wants to do. And I do. 3) He feels that my BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP are precious to him so why wouldn't he be supportive? If you have to deal with an unsupportive partner try a mutual satisfactory approach and have fun.

Thanks to: Patricia Weber of Business Coach for Introverts & Shy.

22. Unsupportive spouse--really?

Luckily I never had one. Mostly he didn't know or understand what I did. As long as the money came in, he was happy and could buy more toys. If your spouse doesn't support you, maybe you have the wrong one. If he/she really cares about you, they will want you to be excited about what you do.

Thanks to: Gayle Carson of Carson Research Center.

23. SPOUSE It

In order to get support you have to give support. Find ways in which you can support them so in return they will support you. Give in order to receive. Teach them your business and why it is important that you all should make this opportunity work. One way to make your personal and buinsess relationship work is to SPOUSE (Share Purpose to Open Up Success Everyday)It.

Thanks to: Derrick Hayes of Motivation To Your Mobile.

24. Help Wanted

Notice I said help NEEDED not help WANTED. My spouse was feeling left out of my dream. Not that he necessarily wanted to be a part of it; he just wanted to be needed. After struggling with numerous heated conversations I got to the bottom of his nonsupport. He felt left out. He needed to know where he fit in the dream and what I planned to do when I became successful. Okay, I embellished his part a little. It worked! He is now my main supporter. I get to fulfill my dream with him by my side.

Thanks to: Jo Ellen Soesbee of Reliable Repairs, Inc..

25. Be True to Yourself!

Business and relationships - particularly spousal relationships don't always mesh. Remember why you started your business.... More than likely it had nothing to do with your spouse! Remind yourself what empowers you and makes you a better partner in the relationship. It is your business and you need not get permission from anyone to be all that you can be. In the end, being true to yourself will give you the strength you want to see in others.

Thanks to: Vicki Donlan of VickiDonlan.

26. Get them involved

In business, an unsupportive spouse is often the result of not fully understanding your idea, vision, or new venture. So get them involved. Find an area of your creation that could use some work and ask them if they would be interested in giving you a hand. More often than not, this will lead to them wanting to learn more about what you do, and help you look at your business in a different light as you catch them up to speed. It's all about communication, so ask for their insight.

Thanks to: Anthony Erickson of Local Business SEO.

27. Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

After having to close my first company due to a serious illness, my husband was very skeptical, nervous and unsupportive of my current venture. Fortuntately I was smart enough to get two partners this time (makes the work 3 times as much fun with 1/3 the responsibility!) who make up for the support I don't get from him. My advice? Keep your eyes on the goal and just keep moving forward. Your spouse will be pleasantly surprised when you reach the top!

Thanks to: CJ Scarlet of Roving Coach International.

28. Support Me Or Out!

What You Do With A Spouse That Is Unsupportive Is To Make Them Supportive Or just leave them. An Unsupportive Partner To Me Is No Partner. It Would Be Hard To Live With A Unsupporive Spouse.

Thanks to: Sheila A Caruso of AVON.

29. The Three Cs in Relationships

In real estate the most important factors are Location, Location, Location. In relationships, it's Communication, Communication, Communication! For a good discussion:
1) Have a simple, clear message to convey.
2) Make an appointment: no TV or other interruptions.
3) Express what you want, need & feel.
4) LISTEN to response - no interrupting.
5) Clarify spouse's concerns & acknowledge validity.
6) Create a plan both can accept for now.
7) Say Thank You!
7) Get professional help if needed!

Thanks to: Jaelline Jaffe PhD of Lemon-Aid Counseling.

30. Pitching to Your Spouse

You need your spouse's support for 2 reasons: 1) To invest family financial resources, 2) To allow you the time and space it takes to succeed. The 1st person you need to sell on your idea, is your spouse. If you can't sell your idea to him or her, you won't be selling it to anybody else. Put together a quick & dirty business plan which shows both upside potential and realistic downside-risk. Have a professional and/or somebody that your spouse knows and respects, review and endorse it first.

Thanks to: Ken Halkin of Kenneth C. Halkin Mgmnt. Consulting.

31. Ready...Set... GO

Actions, it is about actions and being consistent. When I first became an entrepreneur my husband did not get it or me. However, as time passed I was tired of the head butting, and decided to stop arguing and just DO IT. My actions spoke louder then words did, and he saw the changes within me and those around me. He is now my biggest FAN.

Thanks to: Tricia Dycka of Tricia Dycka.

32. Give 'Em Something To Do!

My best friend went roaring into a new business a couple years back - ended up with the oft occurring 20-hours-a-day / no-energy-when-he-got-home syndrome. Almost ruined his marriage. Till we got to talking and I convinced him to get his wife on board.

How'd he do it? He gave her a simple task to do for the business that she liked (some organizing), which gave her a sense of ownership. Now she's controller and he has the best support in the world!

Thanks to: Henri Schauffler of Marketing With Henri Dot Com.

33. DON'T PLAY DEFENSE OFFENSE

Now is not the time to stop communicating. What is your spouse fearing of your endeavors and pursuit of a home business? That must be established because that is where any conflicts are residing. You have made the commitment, not your spouse........... but he/she may feel more involved if their input is asked for. They may start to feel as a valuable partner. Plan to make some TLC time for each other. Two conflicts of offense or defense will not make peace on any level.

Thanks to: Carolyn Bartz of WITH PEN IN HAND.

34. Dump Them

I am sorry but it comes to a point in your entrepreneurial career if you have a spouse who is not supporting you simply said, dump them. Now that may sound extremely harsh, lets face it though, if you have anyone around you especially the person you love the most that doesn't support your dreams...you can't limp there all on your own. Well you could, but that is not what a partnership it makes. Especially on a long term basis. The right partner will assist not desist.

Thanks to: Cheri Ruskus of Business Victories/Victory Circles.

35. Keep a Truckin'

Unless you're making oodles of cash, it's possible your mate won't be too supportive. My best advice is to keep your momentum, and don't let the lack of support distract or deter you from your goals. If your business is your passion, you should do it, regardless of whether or not your spouse is on board. Eventually he or she will no doubt come around. Mine did! :)

Thanks to: Cori Padgett of Big Girl Branding.

36. Don't Get Married

Seriously. If you're seeing somebody who doesn't support what you're doing, don't get married.

Thanks to: David Hooper of Private Victory.

37. Check Yourself First

Check your self first. Are you too pushy? Are you asking to sacrifice more than possible? Have you done everything to have your spouse be part of the same vision? Have you offended your spouse or are you not giving them enough time in your marriage? It takes time to sort through these things and sometimes when you leave the other spouse alone for a while, they turn around. But check your self first.

Thanks to: Edwin Soler of Libreria Berea.

38. Talk about feelings, not facts

Let your spouse EMPATHIZE but not STRATEGIZE. You face difficult challenges and decisions they might not understand. If you share details, you'll get advice. Entrepreneurs don't like being told what to do - but spouses hate being ignored - so that conversation will go badly. Also, don't get into your longshot opportunities, or your spouse may lose faith. Instead, talk about how you *feel* (hopeful, fearful, excited, tired), so your spouse can support you as a lover instead of a co-pilot.

Thanks to: Aaron Sylvan of TrustWorks, Inc..

39. Remember Your Purpose

It is tough to start a business. As we all know there are a lot of obstacles. When one of us isn't supportive of a decision the other has made - or one of us needs to 'break through' the low feelings you get starting and running a new business - the other spouse just needs to be reminded of our mission.

That our work is important, and we have the potential to save young peoples lives.

Thanks to: Alan Klayman of STUDENT at the wheel®.

40. Unsupportive Spouse

Fortunately, I have never had an unsupportive spouse. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have talked with many women who have had such a partner and in all cases it has cost them a great deal. When women ask me about starting their own business, the first question I ask them is, "Do you have a supportive spouse?" I advise them that without a supportive spouse it's difficult to succeed.

Thanks to: Bonnie Ausfeld of Beacon Resources.

41. Be the wind in my sail

Engage your spouse in a discussion talking about how the business will benefit them - more money, more time, less work, nicer home, new car, etc. Let them know that you can be more productive and successful with their support and that you'd like them to be the "wind in your sails" not the "anchor that holds your boat back." By making your spouse part of the process and sharing your dreams together you should be able to move forward and address the issues that are causing that "anchor effect."

Thanks to: Jonathan Mast of Blue Rooster Photography.

42. Remember When...

All of us who are starting new businesses, as well as many who have already "succeeded", have days when we're down, discouraged, whatever. Just think how frustrating it must be for a spouse, who may not share your same passion or vision. When my spouse says something, or acts, in an unsupportive way instead of focusing on the negative I try to remember the moments when he's been right there for me lending a hand, adding a finishing touch that just "makes" the project, and be thankful.

Thanks to: Barbara Doran of Kuffco, LLC.

43. D-I-V-O-R-C-E

This exact subject led to the end of my first marriage. The truth is that a genuinely unsupportive spouse will drain you of your time, money, energy, and resolve. A lot of great ideas die at this stage of the game, and you have to decide how important the business is to you. In my case, the lack of support and belief cut the cord. My second (and current and last) wife was a huge help in starting my current business, and I can't imagine trying to do what I've done without her support.

Thanks to: Troy Harrison of SalesForce Solutions.

44. Why Can't You Just Help Me?

Expecting a spouse to have your passion for your work is not realistic. Assist them is seeing benefits to them if they lend a hand, listen with empathy, offer suggestions for consideration and be patient when there is a delay in spending time together. It is important to listen to their ideas and feelings and consider if their complaints are valid. Do they believe in your work? Did they expect the hours you focus on work? Soften resentment. Listen and adjust or change your expectations!

Thanks to: Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed. of Marilyn Belleghem Consulting Inc. .

45. Compromise VS. Demise

Its normal for a spouse to be ignorant, envious, or unsupported when it comes to work. Rather than sigh, or complain to co-workers about his/her behavior,why not firmly ask- if not demand- an adequate amount of time to be "you" as the employer. Ex:8am-8pm is work ONLY time. That also means you MUST stop as a compromise. But be prepared, if someone continues to prohibit you from reaching your goals, perhaps the time for the relationship has passed. Some people are forever, some people are not!

Thanks to: Asha Spacek of UR SuperModels.

46. Agree To Disagree Is A Win-Win

First,listen to your spouse perspective as to why they are not supportive. Getting an honest and candid point of view can refocus you. Second, share your perspective and strategies to be successful in your new venture. Third, stay focus and agree to disagree it can be a win-win for both. Last,show the advantages and disadvantages as you see it. For me working at home if well planned and budgeted allows you the freedom to spend time with those you love; while doing what you love. Thanks, hubby.

Thanks to: Dr. Amicitia (Cita) Maloon-Gibson of MGAA Professional Development Insti.

47. Communication

Being an entrepreneur isn't for the faint of heart. It takes dedication to your endeavor. It certainly helps if you have the full support of your spouse as there are enough obstacles to overcome outside the household. Keep focusing on the positives and show your spouse any progress made towards your goal. This communication will let your spouse know that your time spent isn't just spinning wheels, but that its actually headed in the right direction.

Thanks to: Eric Kates of MortgageLeads.com.

48. Throw the Bum Out!

Best Practice for anyone who is not supportive is to open the channels of communication, listen then make a decision. Spouses are connected emotionally so really take the time to listen she may be seeing or feeling something your not?

Listen!

Thanks to: Jerry Pollio of CMT Creative Marketing.

49. Getting from "No" to "Yes"

My SO is, by nature, a negative guy. He frequently expresses great concerns about some of my business ideas and starts pointing out all the things that could go wrong. I've learned to turn this around by saying, "I really appreciate your concern for me. I know this idea needs some help, so what can I do to make it succeed?" That shifts his negative thinking into a more helpful, positive mode, and also gives him some buy-in to the idea and the business.

Thanks to: Ann Guinn of G&P Associates.

50. Entrepreneurs Over Adversity

I don't know there's a best way to deal with it. I don't let mine interrupt my work schedule since he's not overly supportive or interested in what I do. First, I would say find either another family member or a friend, an accountability partner to whom you can confide/share with, your successes/failures, that you can bounce your ideas off of (I have 2). Second, don't let your unsupportive spouse stand in the way of reaching your accomplishments/goals. Sometimes U have to do what's best for U!

Thanks to: Janette Buckhaulter of Success Transcripts.

51. The Irritating Idealist

To my wife, that is me! For a decade her irritation knew few bounds. "Your head is in the clouds, you make me so angry I considered leaving," are just a few of the sentiments she had for me. For my part, I envied authors who wrote their spouses supported them. I was going to write, "I did it in spite of her!" All this until 2 years ago, when I finally realized she has kept both of my feet on the ground, and my ego in check. It was MY attitude that needed changing. My book is ready in September!

Thanks to: Mike Blackstone of Mentor International Inc.

52. Take Time to REALLY Listen!

At times, my wife will give me some resistance with a new venture. Initially, I would be on the defense and not hear what she had to say. However, I have learned a spouses intuition should be valued because they are not as emotionally invested in the idea and thus have a clearer perspective. Not to mention they typically know us better then we know ourselves. So instead of putting the boxing gloves on, listen to what they have to say. In the end, they will probably save you a bunch of grief.

Thanks to: Peter Awad of Stratus Web Group.

53. Talk It Out

While you may think you know why your spouse is not being supportive, it could be 100 other reasons. So, rather than assume ("She doesn't think I can make it" or "He just wants me to stay home") ask your partner. Then discuss each of your opinions on what is going on in a non-defensive manner. Go in with the goal of a win-win, rather than you are right and he/she is wrong. Do this at a time when you are not rushed or overly stressed. Believe in yourself- and your spouse.

Thanks to: Elizabeth Lombardo of A Happy You.

54. Get a New Set of Eyes

Look through your spouse's eyes to get down to the heart of their lack of support. Are they afraid of your time commitment to the business? Are they afraid of financial catastrophe? Talk about what they really need from you to be good with your venture & find a happy medium where they can feel heard (and safe) while you move forward.

Thanks to: Kristal M of tiny bird arts.

55. Ignore It

Spouses are unsupportive for a variety of reasons but if you're passionate about what you're doing, just keep on keeping on!

Thanks to: Betty Newman of The Holding Company.

56. Take Responsibility

The no pulling punches answer is: Your spouse is not supportive because of you! It's not them, it's you! The business is not even the real issue. Look in the mirror and Take Responsibility and win back your spouse FIRST. Then and only then can you ask for their support in your new venture. Hint: Deep down they really do want to support you, they just need to you care about them.

Thanks to: Evan Money of Life Coach Evan.

57. A Little Support Here, Please!

Remember that they’re not against you, they’re just for themselves! Your partner’s attitude stems from a view that something they value is being threatened. Rather than argue surface issues, ask open-ended questions to go deeper. Start with, “What is it that bothers you most?” If you hear, “I never see you!”, ask, “What is it about that that concerns you?." Keep asking to learn what they most value. Discover the value and then find solutions that satisfy both your needs.

Thanks to: Vivian Scott of Vivian Scott Mediation.

Compiled by Mike Michalowicz, Author of The Toilet Paper Entrepreneur

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Category: Managing Focus, Your Belief System
Tags: business support, Entrepreneur, family business, marriage, mike michalowicz, toilet paper entrepreneur, tpe, unsupportive spouse.

http://www.learnsmallbusiness.com/forum DeAnna Troupe, Small Business Training Lady

These are all great tips. I don’t really agree with the people advocating divorce. I’d rather stay and work it out. Dating is hard! Fortunately even though my husband doesn’t really understand what I do, he supports it since he likes me being at home.
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @DeAnna – I agree. I think divorce is a final, last ditch effort, no alternative solution. Ultimately I would give up the business to keep my family… not the other way around.
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http://www.talking2myself.com/ Ben Ellis

What is very obvious from the tips is that there is an expectation that just because you are going into business, your partner MUST support you. Your partner does not need to support you in your job so why do they have to support you in your business? In the case where no support is forthcoming, it is really time to determine if you remain with the same goals you started out with and if not, business or no business you’re in trouble. See http://www.talking2myself.com/2010/07/18/ambition-when-family-is-not-enough/
Judy

It’s hard for me to have a life because if I leave my 73-yr-old spouse alone for any length of time he “gets up to things.” He visits the RV dealer (NO, we are not buying an RV), attends lunches for investors (NO, we are not going to invest with them), attends medical informationals (NO, he is not going to have carpel tunnel surgery!). This man who has been retired for eight years is now finding retirement too boring. If I won’t go on trips with him, he invites a friend (and pays for the friend). In six months, he’s gotten bored with his new GPS (for geocaching) and his new, new thing is an ipad. This is getting frustrating (and expensive). When I come home from one of my volunteer positions and find an RV in the driveway — well — “to the moon, Alice.”
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @Judy – Thanks for sharing that. They say an unoccupied mind wonders. So… how do you manage it. I am sure talking about it is felt as nagging! Is there any other ways you have discovered?
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Judy

How do I manage it? I just keep doing my volunteer work and I keep observing my mate. (In the meantime, I wouldn’t dare sign up for a full time job. And this is probably going to cost me in the long run.) Like I say, when the RV appears in the driveway, I’ll know that it’s time to take concrete action. (I didn’t think that was nagging so much as venting my frustration and my fears. There are worse things than a large, elderly, smart but idle man hanging around all day long, but not in my world there aren’t.)
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @Judy – Thanks. Clearly the RV is the tipping point. Thanks for sharing all of this…
http://www.entrepreneurinmaking.com Devesh

Mike: I don’t know how this one slipped out of my to-do list of contributions, so let me add my two cents via comment:

Find out why – is it because of the fear to loose money/ stability OR is it about household responsibilities and quality time?

Solve the why – if it’s financial issue, sit down & talk about your financial plans, goals, insurance, and how you were planning to make everything happen. Stay away from talking too ambitious here. If it’s about quality time or household duties, talk about scheduling, prioritizing, dividing work (make sure you take a couple things off of her plate like picking up kids etc) and promise a vacation. Set up the expectations you can meet and then exceed those.
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @Devesh – THANK YOU!!! “Solve the why”. That helps tremendously.
Judy

Devesh and Mike,
I am concerned about future finances, so this does have a lot to do with money. For the present, things are okay. The topic was “unsupportive spouse.” If my spouse has put aside “x amount” for my future and then begins to spend it down himself, that is unsupportive and it leaves me in the lurch (in the future) financially. If I am unable to take a full-time job because he must be catered to (for instance, I am expected to travel with him several times a year), then, again, I will be left in the lurch in the future because I did not build up my retirement account. I don’t see that I can set financial expectations with him, because he already set them, I was happy with them, and he is now beginning to violate them. (And I find that unsupportive.) I can, however, set expectations for his behavior during his free time. Your suggestion here was very helpful. I can suggest that he find some sort of hobby, mission or quest (other than planning trips) for himself. You may have already guessed, there is an age gap (15 years) between us (and we’ve been together 27 years). I am just not seeing the kind of support from him toward my future retirement account that I provided him. I just earned my masters in teaching and I am ready to jump into this career for ten years. Teaching is a total immersion experience and for nine months, I will really need a very supportive spouse in order to be successful.
Judy

Right — the RV is definitely not a unilateral decision. I’m sure you’ve heard, “when the teacher appears, the student is ready.” In my case it’s “when the RV appears the divorce litigation is going to begin.”
http://geniusbusiness.com Bryant Jaquez

Great topic to write about I agree with Evan Money of Life Coach Evan. I think that there taking the approach that you can’t control what your spouse does but you can control what you do about that approach is the quickest way to handle the situation. In my case when my wife starts to act unsupporting it’s usually because I’m to make my company more of a priority then her, in our marriage we have agreed to make each other a first priority, so when this happen, I just manage my “Time Management Skills” and solve the problem. Come on folks, we are entrepreneurs because we are GENIUSES at finding solutions to problems, don’t give up on one of the most important challenges of our lives.

-Bryant Jaquez.
Editor in Chief of the new
businessgenius.com
http://www.thesacredseduction.com Rumio

Great tips compilation Mike. I agree 100% to Jeff Block (1) & Jim Bouchard (3) that a supportive spouse is “a must” to succeed in a business. If a man does not have a supportive wife then he should be a salaried person not an entrepreneur.

If a woman wants to see her husband succeed then she must “Give Up The Right to Criticize Her Man” that’s the only way he can succeed.

Easier said than done. You can read more about these very important points in my e-book; The Sacred Seduction. (Most of it is free to read.)

Thanks.
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @Rumio – Agreed with your agreeing. Supportive spouse is a must.
http://www.entrepreneurinmaking.com Devesh

@Mike: Precisely. Asking why and then solving that why is the shortest path method to finding solutions

@Judy: WOW, I guess I really need to get married and spend a few years with her before I can comment on something like that however, I do see your point and believe that marriage can only be kept if both man and woman make sacrifices and adjustments. If one is sacrificing his/her whole career because the lifestyle of the other,… WOW I can’t even find what to say in the second half of this sentence…
http://www.thealzasagroup.com Clark Phinney

At the end of the day this is about a power play. Spouses/partners either share power or one has more than the other. Some partners are OK with the other having more power (money, time, control of the checkbook, kid patrol, etc) and others are not.

When one spouse is having issues with the other’s work balance it’s really about power. Several questions come to mind for them ranging from “how are we going to afford to live” (particularly if this is a start up) to “how much will be be away/home” and even “what if he gets rich and doesn’t want me anymore”. I’ve even worked with some couples that at the end of the day it was about travel and one being afraid that all those hotel nights would take a toll.

Make and plan and work your plan. Your spouse/partner may not be crazy about you jumping off into a new business but if you can layout your plans and expect and answer the questions such as money, benefits, kid share, etc, etc then it will go a long way to sharing the power and helping them feel like your not the one holding all the keys to the kingdom that is your home and marriage.

Also remember that sometimes we expect our spouses to be like groupies and just love every idea we have and do, a good partner will ask those hard questions and challenge you to plan and prepare. That’s a wise use of power in a relationship.
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @Clark – A “power play”… sometimes seems to be a power struggle. I like your point that spouses aren’t groupies. Constant cheerleading can run an entrepreneur down the wrong path, smiling the whole way.
http://www.thesacredseduction.com Rumio

@Clark I just love this: “what if he gets rich and doesn’t want me anymore.” It happens especially if one of the spouses can’t compete in say intellectuality etc. In fact it acts on a subconscious level discouraging the spouse on every level. I’ve seen it happening both to husbands and wives.

Plans work only to a certain level. Things get bumpy when the going gets tough. It’s about those rough times that a supporting, understanding and loving wife is a must. A man can fight 1 battle at a time. But if it’s a battle both at home and work defeat may be close.
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @Rumio – Agreed! If you have to fight on both fronts, stick a fork in you… you are done!
http://www.thesacredseduction.com Rumio

@Mike – I have a better option; Fall in Love… again
- http://www.ToiletPaperEntrepreneur.com Mike Michalowicz
  
  @Rumio – Amen to that!
jennyjenny

Got in on this way late but wanted to comment. My situation is I have been the one working hard in this marriage and my spouse is very lazy. He likes the idea of me being successful at a business but only if I am working full time. This is coming from a man who hasn’t worked in a year and refuses to look. It is true that this situation is just a drain in every way. Drain in finances, drain in emotional well being. I have discussed this with him and he doesn’t seem to care and feels entitled to do nothing. In my case, divorce is probably going to be the answer.
KJ

This is the worst advice I have ever heard. Get a new spouse?! Screw you, man. I made a commitment. Good businessmen/woman know how to handle stress and pressure. You dont just quit. Clearly you aren’t intelligent enough to work with your spouse on these issues. You FAIL.